Ethan Bourne

Don’t hate the player, hate the game!

We’ve probably all been involved with it at some point, “Should I text him back? Should I tell him I want to see him again? Should I start organising the wedding, just in case?” But it’s one of those things I just can’t stand, it’s the game of dating.

I can’t say I’m entirely innocent in all of this, I have been the one who’s purposely not replied or feigned a lack of interest, my mother told me to treat them mean to keep them keen, but conversely, I’ve also been on the other side and it’s not very nice at all. One particular example was when I was dating a beauuuuutiful guy in London just before Christmas the other year, I was completely besotted by this creature. Because of this, I wanted to spend every waking second Whatsapping him and no, that isn’t a euphemism, I was just hopelessly smitten for a rather sexy kitten. This lead my best friend giving me a strict timetable of when I was allowed to reply to his message, NEVER on the same day, usually the day after at 3pm so I didn’t seem too keen, more like an afternoon afterthought (This genuinely happened, I wish I was exaggerating). After about 36 hours when Don Juan finally replied to my 3pm message, which I sent to my best friend to verify before sending it, I would drive myself crazy reading so much into his reply that the stress it caused has surely heightened my risk of premature balding. Did it work? Well, do I have a beauuuuuutiful boyfriend in London? No. No I don’t. I don’t have a boyfriend, I have a pillow, his name’s Leonard and we’re very happy together.

So what did I take from this? I learnt that I don’t like games and more than this, I don’t think they work. Time for another anecdote. When I started dating my last boyfriend who lived in Southampton, again very gorgeous, we would chat and chat and chat and chat so much so that we sent hundreds of messages to each other throughout the day. This may seem excessive and ridiculous but did it harm our relationship? No! It just helped him discover that I am actually quite witty and it also helped him discover that if he read a message and then didn’t reply, he’d be in the doghouse. The important part is that we had an amazing relationship and no games were played. There were no delays in replying, no holding back of saying telling one another how we felt about each other and the result was probably my happiest relationship I’ve had with anyone (apologies to the hundreds of other boyfriends and girlfriends I’ve now insulted).

But my opinion is that there just isn’t a point in playing these games. To my way of thinking, your feelings for someone aren’t affected by the fact you text them 10 times a day or once a week. I think it’s ludicrous to suggest that just because I reply rather quickly means that the other person is put off, quite the opposite. I’m only too happy to receive a speedy response, and to be honest, I’d rather know how the other person felt about rather than having to ask the Bletchley Circle to help me crack the code of how much the person likes me through the frequency of their correspondence.

So lets say no. Lets stop this fannying around of playing games with each other because not only is it a waste of time, but I think it’s almost verging on immature. I refuse to play such games anymore, if I like someone, I’ll reply to them or I’ll suggest we meet again and if I don’t, I’ll tell them that I’ve relocated to the other side of the world where Internet isn’t available so that’s why it looks like I’m not online on Whatsapp, it’s not because you’re one of dozens of people on my blocked list….
As always, I love hearing your experiences, all the usual channels of communication are open, @EthanBourneUK, Facebook or just Freepost a letter to Buckingham Palace, I know enough Queens that it should get to me in the end!

Ciao

Ethan Bourne

New Year’s Resolution? How about an attitude change?

Welcome to 2013!!! Firstly, I hope you’ve all had a fantastic Christmas, I feel so lucky to have been able to spend it with my Grandma who has been terminally ill with cancer for a few months now, so I was particularly happy to be able to share it with her and the rest of my family!

So, down to blog business. About now, you’ll probably have already given up your New Year’s Resolution to not eat chocolate Freddos (which I still believe should be 10p again) or you’re thinking that the idea you had to start a gym membership was perhaps a little hopeful, but perhaps you’re looking at it the wrong way, my New Year’ Resolution isn’t a physical change, but a mental one, to change my attitude! I wouldn’t say I have a bad attitude, a lot of people I’ve met have said I’m “surprisingly” nice, and although this being a somewhat backhanded compliment as the presumption seems to be I’m not nice for some reason, I still think it’s important to adopt a positive attitude with people, not just out of courtesy, but for yourself as well. I’m not a very spiritual person, I don’t believe in star signs for example, but I do believe that one’s state of mind affects a lot, and in particular, our relationships with other people, that kind of karma people talk about.

It seems strangely ironic to me how at times, when you seem to be in a ‘bad place’, you attract the wrong type people. I’ve experienced this myself at times when I’ve been in a bad place after a break-up or simply feeling particularly negative. One rather unfortunate example of this is how I went on a date with a Film Director last year in London who I refused to speak to again as our date was cut short thanks to his film being entered into the Cannes Film Festival and him having to run off to sign the contract. Without explanation, I said he’d missed his opportunity to get to know me and needless to say, I shot myself in the foot and could have been on the red carpet right now if I hadn’t been such a complete and utter *expletive*. Conversely, there’s that cliché that the ‘right’ type of person comes along when you’re least expecting it and I’ve been lucky to have been treated amazingly by my ex or those special few who have made me smile, but I don’t think it’s just chance, it’s being in a good head space.

So, I’m saying goodbye to that in 2013. My resolution is to adopt a more positive approach in all aspects, its been brought about by realising how short life is (something I’m more than familiar with being only 5 foot 7.) But I honestly think that this fresh mindset will benefit me in various ways, from the people I meet this coming year to the opportunities I create for myself, hopefully one of them being a romantic one (yes I am single and yes, I would like to go for a drink). We’re all used to that stereotype gay attitude that so many guys seems to have, the bitchiness, the immaturity but we have to ask, who loses out because of it? Ironically, them. I believe if we can adopt a more positive approach, then we can attract more positive people, and that’s only going to be beneficial for us, so why not add it to your New Year’s Resolution?

On that note, I’ll finish, but I’d love to hear your experiences or perhaps your New Year’s Resolution, so tweet me @EthanBourneUK or drop me a wall post on my Facebook Page! Whatever you chose to do, I genuinely wish you all the best in the coming year and would like to finish by thanking you for the personal support which has helped a lot with the news of my Grandma and everyone who’s stuck with me, here’s to 2013!

Ethan Bourne

Should I tell my Grandma I’m gay before it’s too late?

This week has been pretty eventful to say the least. On Monday, I received some upsetting news about my Grandma and although I don’t wish to go into details, I’m flying back from Barcelona on Thursday to spend time with her, time I’m worried might be the last. But there’s still a question left unanswered… Should I tell her I’m gay before it’s too late?

Only last Christmas, I was sitting with her and my Mum when she pounced the question on me out of the blue. As a knee-jerk reaction, I replied, “No! No!” which I surprised myself by blurting out but got me thinking why I’ve never felt the urge to tell her. It’s not that I think she wouldn’t love me anymore or wouldn’t support me, all of my family has been amazing in supporting me in everything and I doubt that this would change if I did say something. It’s just that I don’t want to run the risk of that. I’m extremely close to my Grandma and we hold each other extremely dear, but my argument is that I don’t want to even risk changing anything between us. Of course, she comes from a different generation, with different thoughts and views which are outdated but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s my Grandma and I love her very much. I know she’s proud of me for what I’ve done, and I can’t substantiate changing this. I’m not ashamed to be gay, on the contrary, I couldn’t be happier with who I am, but to my way of seeing it, I hold the relationship I have with my Grandma in higher regard than I do the need to ‘come out’ to her. Should I?

Perhaps I’m misleading my Grandma, perhaps it’s wrong of me not to tell her, but for me, it boils down to priorities and my priority is my relationship with my Grandma, not the need for her to know my sexuality. My sexuality does not define me, it’s a part of me of course, but it doesn’t define who I am and therefore I argue that it shouldn’t define the relationships I have with my family. Part of me wants her to know, I want her to know how happy I am and share experiences of that moonlight picnic on the beach with my ex, but part of me also says that it’s not unreasonable to want to preserve the special relationship I have with her, it’s just not worth it.

For once in my life, I’m just not sure. However, what I am sure about is that I love her very much and value what we have more than almost anything, and I’m desperate to see her, to tell her I love her, to hold her hand and to see her smile.

Ethan Bourne

As always, I’d love to hear your response, @EthanBourneUK or Facebook

What’s worse; a homophobe or a lesbian?

I came across a pretty shocking viewpoint the other night and for me it highlighted a more worrying concept; the idea that the LGBT community who can experience social exclusion themselves perpetuate social exclusion. Of course, I am not speaking for all LGBT inidivuals by all means but the animosity seen within the LGBT community is something that could not only prove detrimental but something rather hypocritical by people that preach equality. 

I’m sure you have experienced it yourself, and the divide between the lesbian and gay community sometimes seems to be actively encouraged, with the separation of lesbian and gay venues, but worse, there is active verbal discrimination seen against lesbian individuals. The reason I’m writing about this is because out on Canal Street at the weekend, I overheard a comment made by a group of gay males about a bouncer at one of the nightclubs. Irrelevant of her personality, which may indeed be robust, this is irrelevant, the comment made stunk of homophobia. To me, this was just abhorrent, but it’s not something that is rare. Often members of the LGBT community can feel excluded within the very community that is meant to be all inclusive. Whether it’s transvestites or bisexuals, the concept of discriminating against other people in the LGBT community in my opinion is just outrageous. We are a community that presumably want equality and throughout various projects, I have put a lot of effort into supporting equality for the LGBT community within the general populous, but this is surely undermined if the very community that expect equality impose social exclusion. The idea of LGBT endeavours is that anyone, despite their viewpoint, sexuality, gender or race can feel accepted and safe in a way that any one else should.

I feel that if we really do want equality, then that has to start from within. We cannot turn round to the general population and demand equality if we are preaching inequality ourselves. Equality is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as “the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, or opportunities” and although I don’t agree with much of the bible, it has to be true that if we want this, we must practice what we preach. What I would suggest is that certain members of the LGBT community take a more considered approach when blurting out their bigoted opinions because they are opinions that are detrimental to the move towards equality that surely a majority of the LGBT community wants. 

That’s my rant over, over and out until something else outrages me ;)

Ethan Bourne

‘Straight acting, masc only’ <—- homophobe!

It’s a paradox isn’t it? A straight acting gay man? Yet it seems to be yet another stereotype that if you’re gay, you’re meant to mince down Old Compton Street (Canal Street for us Northeners) blaring out Lady Gaga whilst commenting on how vibrant colours are SO in this year. Well many of us don’t have such predictable tastes and that’s why we get the sub-cultures on the gay scene… the bears, the twinks, the otters (is that even one?), but what happens if you don’t fit into the scene whatsoever? What happens if you don’t want someone who fits in with a genre and is in many ways like a straight man who just happens to appreciate the more phallic things in life? Then you’re a homophobe.

I read very recently in one of the main Gay Publications, which I don’t care to name and argue once again with their editorial staff that the concept of wanting a ‘straight acting’ man is internalised homophobia and means one is really not content with being gay. The writer commented how such people had not accepted their own sexuality and should embrace the gay culture and the fact that they have not done so, means that they find camp men a turn off. Well, I disagree. What’s wrong with wanting a man who acts in certain manners? Surely, unless you’re harming others, then your personal choice is completely that… your own. I’m going to put myself out there and say I like a more ‘masculine’ man myself and that’s not to say that there is anything wrong with being an effeminate male, just it’s not to my taste as far as partners are concerned. Of course, the term ‘masculine’ can be argued over but I’m using it as a broad term, as it’s the best way of explaining it without going into detail. I have a very strict ‘type’ if I’m honest and that begins (physically) with them being tall and muscular, in fact I have a boyfriend and I like the fact he has masculine features and if I find effeminate features in men a turn off, then that’s just my choice. What I like is what I like, and as the saying goes, each to their own! 

I think it’s a sad state of affairs when we’re branding people homophobic because we don’t find certain features attractive. For me, it just boils down to personal taste and I think it’s dangerous to be throwing around this vehement term almost off the cuff at the very first signs of something that doesn’t fit the stereotype. And this gets to the root of my argument. As you may know, I don’t think that Pride in their current format are completely beneficial to the image of the gay community if we really want equality, many argue that having Pride at all is detrimental, but for me, this is yet another example of the gay community on self destruct. If we want to be accepted by everyone in society, then they can accept us in all our forms. Some of us are effeminate, or camp, some of us are beary and some of us just don’t feel we can align ourselves with any category in the gay community at all, AND THAT’S FINE! That’s called diversity and without it, well, that’d just be rather dull. So let’s not criticise people because of their personal choice, we’re all different and we all have our own unique tastes so let’s celebrate rather than discriminate!

Do let me know your thoughts! @EthanBourneUK as ever!

All gays sleep around right?

It’s one of those awful cliches that come with being gay - the dress sense, the penchant for Kylie and the fact that we just can’t keep it in our trousers. Whether it’s being unfaithful whilst we’re in relationships or sleeping around using THAT app which allows us to hook up with people almost instantaneously, we seem to be tarred with this brush of promiscuity. But why? And more interestingly, is this tag-line actually ever so slightly deserved?

Let me just begin by saying I’m currently in a very very happy, monogamous, loyal and honest relationship, it’s my thing, and I don’t actually agree with the concept of open relationships, so don’t worry, I’m writing this out of curiousity, not bitterness! But it’s something that I’ve come to realise a lot of people genuinely believe, the fact that the gay community is much more sexual, not just in their approach to sexuality but in their search for it. So I had a little think and I actually concluded that how we ‘become’ gay could support this stereotype.

I believe gay individuals have to overcome many boundaries and obstacles to be happy, 1 in 4 of us experience homophobia at some point and almost all of us have seen it or know someone who has suffered because of it. To add to this, being gay means you are automatically in a minority. I thought about these two factors and I genuinely believe they combine to create something of a quasi-‘grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side’ effect. This is because to come out as gay, be comfortable and happy with your sexuality, we often find it takes courage, confidence and the ability to truly find oneself. I believe this makes gay people inherently idealistic. We’re idealistic in our search for happiness, because we have to be, we have to be true to ourselves to really be happy in the end. Perhaps this means that we’re not best placed to be loyal. I’ve spoken about this with people who suggest males are genetically more sexual, wanting to ‘plant the seed’ as it were, but I can’t typecast gender as dictating personal choice of whether you do or don’t sleep around, I believe it stems from this much more fundamental root of wanting to be happy. Of course, I’m not saying we can’t be faithful or we’re not capable of it, that’s an awful generalisation, what I’m suggesting is that in searching for who we are and finalising reliasing our sexuality, we become more idealistic and this doesn’t bode well for ‘settling down’. 

We can’t deny that the gay community seem to be ‘active’ for much longer than the straight community, straight couples marry earlier and perhaps this is because we didn’t ‘start’ as early as they did but I believe it just follows on from what we have had to overcome to get there in the first place. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the best, of course, but I genuinely think it leaves gay individuals less likely to be in a conventional loyal relationship, we’re always wanting the next best thing. Can our social conditioning really affect the choices we make? Of course! And I believe this to be a strong factor in why we as gay individuals perhaps are more sexually active, there’s rarely smoke without fire! I’d just like to add that I don’t think this is an over-ruling factor in what affects our choices, but it’s perhaps one that actually isn’t our fault and if we didn’t have to overcome the obstacles many of us do, maybe we’d be slightly more ‘settled’ in our approach to finding partners. I would love to hear what you think, this is just my opinion on the topic and one I find genuinely interesting! 

Ethan Bourne